Sacred Life Sunday: My inner drill sergeant....

This morning's class, even though it was the last, was the best one we've had through the series. Many people opened up and talked about their own concerns for the future, what they wanted to do and how to help each other manifest it. The overall topic was forming community and how to be of service within the community.

Most people had something to say about what they felt blocked them from offering all they could. Some brought up the disconnectedness among all of us. Others brought up the "faux busyness" so many use to isolate themselves. One woman, the youngest among us, came up with a good solution using technology. We brainstormed it roundtable fashion and I was enchanted! In my element! By the end of the class, three or four of us agreed to get together and talk about how to make it happen.

It had little to do with Life Coaching but within a larger context, it definitely incorporated the purpose of it.

As I'd agreed to do last week, I was coached in front of everyone. Procrastination was my topic. The facilitator (who is also the instructor) sat patiently while I unpacked the many reasons for my chronic procrastination. I can find a million and one excuses to not do something I'm afraid of doing. Fear is definitely at the root of it. When I want to do something, I definitely get it done which is true for most of us.

We used my visiting a group that is not structured and is not a classroom setting as the focus. What steps can I take to make myself go? I also gave myself permission to decide that it might be the wrong move for me, that perhaps I'm not yet ready for purely social situations. Unless there is a higher purpose, I can't see forcing myself to be someone I am not. The only way to find out if it is really who I am or whether it's just more fear-based choice-making is to attend something and see how it feels.

My internal judge is very, very harsh which showed during the coaching session. There is no drill sergeant in any boot camp in this country who could possibly be any harder on me than I am on myself. Other people in the class commented on that as a matter of fact. They were a bit startled to hear how harsh and judgmental I was when it came to my excuses. I have a habit of speaking to myself in a way that would get me punched out if I spoke to anyone else that way.

I admitted all my fears and the reasons for them. I was open about being afraid of situations like that because I don't feel adequate. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of judgment. I'm afraid of going into a situation where I have to do the whole "will I be accepted" dance with a bunch of strangers. I don't trust people to be kind. It exposes every bit of the miasma that resides at the core of me. It exposes parts of me that I've been very good at burying for a lot of years. There is absolutely nothing in my general appearance that would reveal that I feel that way. Like a demon on my shoulder, it just whispers in my ear and keeps me trapped. Coaching, which is not counseling or mentoring, was used to help me walk through ways to move forward. It's all about making a commitment and following through with some level of accountability.

It was a little awkward, admitting in front of so many people that I am a complete chicken when it comes to engaging community without a "job" or designated purpose. In the strictest sense, I think we did a good job of moving through it and coming up with some solid ideas for progress.

I got through it and hopefully we all learned something from it.

Now I'm looking for the next class!



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Sacred Life Sunday: Back to the Wall....

This morning's class was a real challenge!

It was about putting the philosophical into practical application. It's easy to philosophize things. It's even easy to admit my considerable fears and reservations. To commit to change is entirely different.

The instructor had us write a list of things we are willing to do to become spiritually mature.

I pulled out my stenography notebook and began writing. It flowed out and I let it. I wanted to see where it would go.

1. Be brave! In small steps. Be willing to step outside of my comfort zone, despite social phobia. Spend less time in the company and safety of written words and more in the company of living beings.

2. Be brave! To get beyond fear of inclusion. Being included does not automatically mean I will be engulfed. Trust others. Trust that they will respect my boundaries. Trust that I will respect theirs.

3. Be brave! Be willing to corral some of my gypsy spirit and commit to being part of a group. Be flexible Get over fear of group politics.

4. Be brave! Trust that God will catch me before I fall. I'm terrified of spiritual heights and I've found much safety in "living small" so I'd be safe. I've avoided fearful things rather than confronting them.

5. Be brave! Stop living in abject fear of rejection. It has kept me from growing in every area of my life. Let go of the past and participate in the future.

This was all very easy to write, as I said. I'm good at that. (I didn't even edit it before including it here. This is exactly as it came out in class.)

And then I remember how terrified I'd been for the half hour I had to stand around before the class started. There were hundreds of people, all attending a service or going to a different class. It was like standing still for a picture and not knowing what to do with my hands. I scanned the environment for an escape. Go out and wait in my car. Find the restroom. Anything that would remove me from that awkward position, surrounded by families and friends, all of whom knew each other. I felt like an idiot standing alone.

I wanted to run.

So... even knowing I have to overcome these things to fully reach my own potential and to contribute something meaningful to the community, I still want to run and hide. It's scary. Very scary!

Now I have to come up with an actionable plan, something I am willing to do to get beyond these things. It doesn't have to be a permanent and immediate solution ~ but it has to be something I can actually do.

That is my task during the week and then next Sunday, I will likely be coached publicly in front of the class. (That should interesting! Ahem.) Anyway, that is my first Be Brave step. I will allow the instructor to coach me that way - and I will be honest.

Now I'm going to go hide under the bed for a while. I think I need a warm blanket and a teddy bear. :)



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The Damascus Road

Last weekend at my class, the instructor used the story of the Saul on the Damascus Road as a metaphor for discovering the purpose in our lives. What was the "AHA" moment that brought Saul to Paul?

Through the entire class, I kept thinking that it's not something we "discover". It's not an epiphany. It's something we recognize when we choose to be available.

I don't believe personally that there is a deity who has a perfect design for each of our lives individually. I believe there is a deity who designed a way of life. When we live that way, our lives work. When we don't, our lives don't work. And it's all about availability, integrity and responsiveness.

The assignment for this week is to write about the way we want to approach God about discovering our "personal plan for spiritual growth".

We can't be available when we are self-centered, obsessed with discovering our own uniqueness (if everyone is unique, what's so unique about that?) and we can't be available if we are unwilling to look outside ourselves, our lives and our experiences.

Maybe I'm too jaded or just too old, but I no longer believe that we have sudden, magical transformations. Transformation is hard work. My personal Damascus Road was a desert, an empty desert with no plants, no water, no nurturing, no comfort, no color and no meaning. My Damascus Road was brutal and heartless. My Damascus Road often included only me and a bottle of booze, lamenting the emptiness and unhappiness of my pitiful existence. (yes, I was very good at feeling sorry for myself. I was a horrid drunk!)

It was rough, no doubt, even though self-imposed and self-created. On the other hand, I can recognize now why I needed it. Through that experience, I've come to understand certain things about spiritual growth.

We can not grow spiritually when we stay in our comfort zone.

We can not grow spiritually when we think like children, believing that things appear magically out of nowhere with no effort on our own part.

We can not grow spiritually if we hang on to the belief that God has nothing better to do that micromanage every aspect of our lives.

We can not grow spiritually when we refuse to face our own prejudices, our own fears and our own stagnancy. If we're not willing to change, we will not discover purpose.

We can not grow spiritually if we're not giving to others. If we only look for what we can get, we'll get "the desert". I learned this the hard way.

We can not grow spiritually if we don't have passion for something. I have passion for other desert-dwellers, those who are alone in the world because I was once there and know what I would have given if there'd been someone to reach a hand out to me in true understanding of that experience - in a similar context. A good coach, friend or mentor who would have given me a well-needed spiritual kick in the ass would have been good, too.

We can not grow spiritually if we don't understand that our "desert" may be someone else's rain forest. (Exhorter, exhort thyself! This is mainly a reminder to myself. :)

We can and do grow spiritually when we stretch ourselves, study new things, learn new things, see the divinity in others and be available. Just. Remain. Open. And then respond.

So this is what I will be sharing with the class next weekend. If you have any other thoughts, I'd love to hear them.



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Picture credit

Moving forward... literally and figuratively

I have not dropped off the planet, died or completely slipped out of contact.

Over the past few months, I've made a conscious effort to spend less time on the computer and more time learning new things and trying to expand my horizons from this one little studio apartment to include the outside world a bit more.

I'm getting ready to move which takes considerable energy. The first step is getting nearly everything I own into a storage unit so that I won't be overwhelmed when I choose the place I will live. It will allow me to gradually empty out the storage unit. As always, it's about avoiding becoming overwhelmed and bringing out one of my worst qualities which is to ultimately hit the "f*** it" switch.

I've just begun Life Coaching classes which take 10 or so hours a week. This coming weekend will be from 4:00-9:00 on Friday evening and 8:00-4:00 on Saturday. Even though that is a lot of concentrated time, I'm really feeling "shackles off" as Martha Beck would say about these classes. All told, they will take until December to complete. After that, I will choose some new classes.

The classes are wonderful because they're providing me with an opportunity to learn something useful that I can share with the community. Thinking back, I can't tell you how much I would have loved having a "coach", someone to hear me out and help me develop a plan to create the life I would have preferred to live. Giving that to someone, particularly those who are unusual and not quite legitimized in this culture, is just the greatest way I can imagine to spend my time and energy.

There are too many people out there with an agenda and they try to cram people into boxes where they'll never fit and never find fulfillment. Unfulfilled people do not have the energy to give to their community. I was that way, too, and had nothing to offer because I couldn't even manage to build my own foundation. There are so many people who are in the same position.

I'm still reading lots of new books and have plenty of recommendations. Hopefully I'll be able to put some of them up here.

One in particular though.... "Quaker Summer" by Lisa Samson. This book changed my life. The two sisters in the book became "life coaches" of a sort for me and helped me to understand that all the philosophizing in the world, all the professions of faith, all the activity in the world, means absolutely nothing if it doesn't come from the heart and if it doesn't change the way we do things. If there's no passion behind our activities, thoughts and beliefs, they're hollow. And, as the book says, "there are too many exhorters in the world". There comes a time when we realize that all the shouting about how rotten the world is and how we think it should be different is just vanity. (Pardon me, Solomon.) The underlying message, for me, was "just do it".

Anyway, the book is cheap on Amazon and I highly, highly recommend it. It doesn't matter what religion you practice. The message is the same for all of us.

Enough for now!


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The Eternal Summer....

Tomorrow is the official beginning of Fall.

So what happened here?

The temperatures will be in the 100s for the next three or four days with those following being in the 90s.

It's too hot here!

Sometimes I wonder if it's just my weird perception. This morning at Starbucks I asked the server if it seemed to her that it is staying hot longer and longer each year. She agreed that it is. Not exactly scientific but I considered her answer to be a validation.

When I came here from Tucson, it truly was not this hot for this many months. It stayed toasty for a few months and then September would bring falling leaves and crisp mornings. Certainly not as cold or crisp as Colorado or Maryland where I've lived in the past - but a nice modified autumn.

Now it is becoming more and more like Tucson. There are two seasons: summer and Christmas. I feel trapped inside a box with refrigerated air. (That is when I can get the owner of this house to turn it on without a major and extremely annoying debate. That in itself is enough to get me to move on.) Hot weather affects different people differently. Obviously. It makes me cranky, lethargic and far more hot tempered than I am typically. I've never been good at "just putting up" with anything. As Nietzsche said, "if it's tottering, give it a final shove".

It may be time to pack up the old Saturn and head north. I'm thinking of someplace near the Oregon border and hopefully near the coast. Eureka, Arcata, Crescent City. Shasta County. I love rain, fog, cool temperatures and water. Living near the ocean would be heavenly!

As usual, I'll move on the cheap and suddenly. Can't seem to purge my wanderlust and the heat feels like a validation of Right Action. It's time to go.


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Not The Queen of the Slipstream....

First off, I apologize for the Word Verification. The reason it's there is because of a spammer who was rather relentless and the bot picked up this site, continually posting the same tired ad. It was in some sort of a foreign language and there was nothing else that would stop it. In a week or so, I should be able to remove it.

Now.. my meeting with M which was actually a phone meeting:

We talked for a few hours this past week. It was an enjoyable conversation and showed me in so many ways that we often don't change as much as we think we have. What might feel drastic to us is actually little more than a re-framing.

I am still a free-spirited, freedom-loving, pick-up-and-leave kind of girl, never quite able to shake my gypsy-like existence. I still suffer (literally sometimes) from chronic wanderlust and have never been good at creating roots in any area of my life. My worldview and my lifestyle are subject to change when I feel the need and I probably have an invisible sign around my neck that says "don't tie me down" and "don't tread on me". There's nothing I love more than a new idea. I think in terms of possibilities in a very global sense but give little thought to the minutiea of my own small life. Everything is macro to me. These are traits I've had for a lifetime. I am the queen of the slipstream.

She is not.

M has lived a more conventional life. She's a nurse, far more conservative than me without being right wing or obnoxious. She's just more conventional. Traditional. She's followed a traditional path in her Christianity and she's very well-studied. She's not a lemming. She asks the difficult questions and seeks out the answers. She has three children, all grown now... owns a house in the country, is surrounded by her beloved dogs and a wonderful mate. She's focused and intelligent. Just the way she's always been.

It was a delight to talk with her and I hope we'll talk again. At the same time, I'm not much on living in the past and any relationship we developed now would have to be in the now and based on now. I'm not into nostalgia. There are things back there that I have no interest in revisiting. M knew me when I was a drunk. M knew my mother. She has a memory like a steel trap. I don't. The last thing I want to do is get gummed up in that flypaper. I have always compartmentalized my life. Then. Now.

She said she wanted to have the kind of friendship we had in the past... "joined at the hip"... which caused a fight or flight response in me. I can never be joined at the hip with anyone. The more someone tries to rein me in, the faster I run. The only way to get close to me is to give me the space to choose it myself. I spook easily.

There was curiosity. There was general intel-gathering. What have you been up to small talk. Cautious maneuvering of an awkward situation for both of us. There wasn't an immediate connection on either side. The truth is, she said, "I'll call you tomorrow" and that was five days ago. I don't think that means I'll never hear from her again. I think it means she needs time to think, has other things going on in her life and decided to put the call off. It's okay. I haven't been sitting by the phone. At the same time, I am completely okay with it if she decides that I am not someone who fits into the life she's designed.

It was still great to have a long talk, catch up and compare notes. Even if we both decide to just move on with our lives, it was a well-spent couple of hours.


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Positively Stone Canyon Road....

Someone made contact with me today. Someone I have not seen, nor talked with, since 1976.

My first impulse was to run away. Since this contact was made by computer, I nearly recoiled from it. I wasn't sure whether to throw a towel over it or just turn it off altogether. Change my email address. Slink back into the caverns from whence I came.

Truthfully, I would like to talk with her. She was my closest friend for a number of years. I met her in high school and we stayed in touch through our college years. We were quite a pair. I remember more than a time or two going to the lounge at the Hotel Bel Air and hanging out, trying to see who we could meet. We would put on our nicest clothes and head up there almost every weekend. We strutted up and down Rodeo Drive like we owned it. We lived on junk food. When we shared an apartment briefly, we lived on Kraft macaroni and cheese with hot dogs because we couldn't afford anything else. M, of course, paid most of the rent.

(Both of us will deny it if we're asked these days! Who would want to admit to such blatant gold-digging, groupie behavior as adults?)

The real thing is that under all of that, M. was the strong, sensible one. I was the flighty, free-spirited - oh, hell - the flakey one. She was always perfectly in control and very practical. I was bouncing off the walls with some new passion each week, changing my life and identity like changing clothes. M. drove me home when I got too drunk to drive. She never got drunk! (Our friendship lasted through the worst of my drinking.) M is always the one who had money. I was always broke. M was the pretty one. I was the ... plain... one.

M went on to get a good job while I still played hippie. She got married and had kids. I got married and got divorced.

Still. I want to talk to her.

My real dilemma is how I should present myself. Naturally, she asked for a picture.

Should I send her this one, in keeping with the L. A. Woman I still am on some levels.....

... or should I go for the dignified look?

She was always able to see through me though. I can't fool her because she was always good at sorting through the BS. Especially my BS. And she was the only one with the guts to call me on it.

Maybe I'll just snap a picture with my cell phone, now that I've lost so much weight that my old ones won't work anymore, and toss it to the universe.


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